Edward Elric Discovers FANFICTION
by Heidi C
Summary: What happens when Edward Elric discovers by US SINCERELY? What happens when Roy is right behind him? Opinions cluster as a premature war begins when a Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfiction Club rocks up FROM THE DEAD. No, not really. I just felt like saying it.
1. Fanfiction

**Edward Elric Discovers Fanfiction!**

_Short drabbles. Present tense. To make you feel special. And me special. DUH. And because this is in our world, my people… my friends, you shall be in it. _

**_YOU MAY BE MENTIONED_**_ IN THIS CHAPTER AND ITS FOLLOWING CHAPTERS. _

OoO

Edward stares curiously at the flat screen in front of him. He screws his eyes.

"Faaanfiction?" He mutters as he types the suggested link onto the screen. If Sarah Lee recommends it… why not try it out?

Roy sips on his coffee a few metres away. He flaps like a wing his white blouse as he lazily flickers an eye towards Fullmetal. He settles his feet on the round table at front. He 'hmmmhm's. "Fullmetal, how is your report going?"

Ever since that underdog failed to hand in his report due two years, seven months, three weeks, three days, twenty-two hours, twenty-seven minutes ago, Roy promised he would basically _sit_ there waiting for it.

Fullmetal tries a diversion, alt+tabbing the loading Internet Explorer. "Err…. I… uuh… how do you spell 'Shambalabalamba'?"

Roy cocks an eyebrow. "S-h-a-m-b-a-l-a-b-a-m-b-a." Which was also wrong.

Fullmetal fake types the word then reverts his attention to the loaded page. He grins slyly to himself. "Fanfiction."

Roy twitches. "What? Fullmetal… Fan-_what_?"

"F-fanfares." Edward clicks 'anime' on the drop down.

Roy's confused. "There were fanfares going about in Ishbal that time you went there?" His mouth curves acutely into a figure-eight. Fullmetal mumbles "ahur yessir there was." And begins skimming the list of Japanese Animation. He's sure he is there somewhere. E… E… no Edward Elric. He glances at F: Fullmetal Alchemist. Dangit, he didn't get his own category. Pouting, he clicks on it and twirls his spinny chair to face Taisa.

"Colonel Chicken." He whines. "Give me a break."

Roy grins and slaps a Kit Kat towards Edward. "Have a Kitkat."

Fullmetal was not going to get out of this easily. "Hurry, it's two years, seven months, three weeks, three days, twenty-two hours, thirty-one minutes late, Fullmetal. Time is clocking. Do I have to do something else to hurry you up?"

Roy is unaware of Edward's discovery of Fanfiction.

Edward grunts and turn around. The pages of Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction isspilling down. Word by word, row by row, story by story.

He glazes his finger on top of 'A Mother's love' then thought better. He snickers when he sees a Roy x Riza. Scrolling down he freezes:

_Green Leaf Spa _

_RoyEd Yaoi Shounen Ai Shouta Crack Fic What happens when Roy and Ed get magically transported to a Gay spa? Hilarity ensures. _

Shit.

"Hey Ed." He flicks his head immediately at the sudden sound.

"Yeahwhat?"

"Edward… I don't think you're working fast enough. I might have to start _stripping_ just to get you to work." Roy unbuttons his top button. He's getting comfy.

Edward bites his lip and flushes, stiffly turning back to the screen.

**_How was it? _**

**_Want to be in the story? Well review, _**

**_I might surf you and include you. _**

**_If you like it enough. _**

**_I shall write more chapters. _**

**_I do have evil plans._**


	2. Shirt

**Edward Elric Discovers Fanfiction!**

_Wow. I got the majority of my reviews in less then fifty hits. Thank you so much! It really makes me feel warm a fuzzy dear fans._

_Alright! I feel guilty if I don't say this in the beginning. **This chapter still only introduces Sarah Lee but you guys are coming. I have a whole freakkin' chapter planned with like… 2/3 of you being able to fit in it. As for the rest third, I shall kidnap you and put you in storage for the next next chappie. **Yes, sorry again._

_This is for Sarah Lee, after her Society Environment test and all those others who had it too. You did fine!_

_Yes, I am sick as I write this. I still went rowing in a regatta and loved it._

OoO

Edward strains out of the corner of his eye.

Roy's hands lie at his side, his chest sighs as he waits for Fullmetal to resume his work. He is an ant in Taisa's eyes, scurrying and twitching around to hide the screen with his puny mass. He should not be afraid to write about fanfares in Ishbal – it couldn't have been an _ant_'s fault.

Feeling glare penetrating his tiny head, Edward decides to minimise Fanfiction in resolution to start typing his second line on his report document, typing … _Ishball's fanfares were colourful like light rainbow confetti streamers that spray as if from a whale's blowhole. _

Edward leans back on his chair. That was a good start.

Alt+tab.

Edward chews on Kit Kat. He wants a break. O Seriously, what _is_ with this _going to a gay spa_ business? Curiosity. His mouse hovers over the 'slash' link but his pride freezes him. His eyes waver then goggled at the author. DANGIT TRAITOR. Furious and print-screening the pixels, he pastes the data onto Paint saves it as _P.T.S.L.I.T.M.C._ which could stand as '_Proof that Sarah Lee is taking morphine crack' _but cunningly able to fool his superiors as '_Pictures taken since little Ishbal took military crap'_. They were both quite similar in a way.

Um, okay.

Returning to the webpage and shutting one scared eye, he clicks on the link.

The catastrophic words flooded the page as flashes of 'gay' and 'shoving a tube up your ass' appears. To Edward… it looks like this:

HORRORSTHEHORRORSTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHO

HORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORR

HORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHgayspaEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHE

HORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORR

ORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTH

EHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEwhat's colon cleansing? HORRORTHEHOR

HORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORR

ORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORshove a pipe up your assTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHE

RRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORROR

THEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEH

ORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRORTHEHORRO

RTHEHORRORSTHEHORRORSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Wow. Horror never looked so good with colon cleansing. Yeah right!

Drop Menu.

'Submit a Review'.

Quickly typing,

_IH4te uyu!11oneoenONEONe2 u r sz0 ded cheezcake1z1!111! D34d m33t Isay!1!az!_

An eager submission.

Review Submitted

Review successfully submitted. It can take up to 24 hours for the review to show up on the website.

Close Window

24 hours. Dangit, dangit. That was a long time for fury! He muddles his eyes shut and opens them quickly. Uuuh. Shit?

Yes, shit.

Edward just _reviewed_ something on _fanfiction_, right? _Fish_face. "Don't you need a user for that!" Edward gasps and clamps his mouth.

"_Need a user for what_?" Roy demands.

"U-uh… err, the military website. the military website!"

"No, you don't. You just need a –"

"Oh–"

"– password is _thecolonelwantsminiskirts_. Alright? I can't believe you forgot that. I told you just yesterday – the whole lot of you – hoping that it can actually be drummed in: _the colonel wants MINISKIRTS!_" Roy paces around the room like a madman. He marvels about this military flaw. Why wasn't Hawkeye or Ross in those dang miniskirts yet? His mouth twitches disapprovingly. Feeling flush and hot, Roy fans himself.

Yet when this was all happening, Edward gapes. At the screen, of course.

Just then he had clicked 'Login' and the statistics of the logged user exploded on the screen. And so did Edward's brain. That is why Edward does not move.

Roy lays a static hand on his shoulder.

"Fullmetal." He breathes in his ear. "Fullmetal, I'm still stripping. It's getting hot and my shirt's off."

_**Like. **_

_**If you like it enough.**_

_**I shall write more chapters.**_

_**I do have evil plans.**_


	3. Belt

**Edward Elric Discovers Fanfiction!**

_Edward rambles like there's no other. Like after 6 page views I got a review. THANK YOU NICOOOLE! I do have a weapon on mass distraction. Wait until George Bush and John Howard see this! I'll be able to steal one of their positions when they're not looking!_

_Oh, and there's a good reason why I posted another chapter so soon._

_**AND NO THIS IS NOT A POINTLESS RAMBLE! **_

**_THERE'S STILL AND ACTUAL CHAPTER!_**

_**OPTIONAL though. **_

**Warning: You _should not_ _read this chapter_ if you want to _read_ this series as Edward's point of view!**

_Okay, here's the important thing: **Do you guys want this to be RoyxEd?**_

_Honestly, I don't know but this is where it's slightly going and I know I'll lose some readers and win some readers but the loss of readers makes me go: D;;;;;; (and grow even more eyes to cry with)._

_So you guys can pick. I just write and it flows, but right now it needs a general direction because I don't want people to keep on following this and reach a disappointing end. Hey! There's another option to this: should I just 'flow'? –cough-_

_**Well, this fanfiction is in you hands, readers!**_

_Repeated so you can't blame me for not telling you:_

**Warning: You _should not_ _read this chapter_ if you want to _read_ this series as Edward's point of view!**

**Warning: You _should not_ _read this chapter_ if you want to _read_ this series as Edward's point of view!**

**Warning: You _should not_ _read this chapter_ if you want to _read_ this series as Edward's point of view!**

OoO

It is a gathering of teenagers with various laptops and computers teetering over legal desks, all branding the same link at the Internet Explorer Address Bar.

A boy is sprawled across a touch leather green of a couch. Bunched on both sides were others with the same lazy air. Two of the six squished on held a clipboard putting pencil to paper. The others preferred typing straight away.

With a bum getting sore of the couch, Pichi Wo loosens his belt. He yawns.

"I'm tired."

"NO dammit! Keep writing!" A girl crosses her arms in front.

He doesn't flinch. "What can a _little girl_ _like you_ do about it?"

Sarah Lee roars and spreads her hands to pounce on the furniture. Taylor, who was next to Pichi Wo, bolts off before Sarah can say 'what the heck get back here I need to land on something else beside that skinny dude', knowing well the couch was awesomely rock hard too.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH." She continues, despite. Like Edward, she is in the For Shorter Stature Association yet her form of anger does not shape words.

"Argh, dangit!" Pichi Wo just manages to lift up his laptop and scramble behind a row of computers ten metres away. Sarah blinks with a mumble of 'crap'.

"Hey!" Another girl claps her hand. "Tut-Tut. No running!" Selina glares at Pichi Wo. He mouths 'sorry' and continues writing drabbles underneath a desk.

Selina flicks the 'for rent's in newspaper. Feeling a sense of hope, she walks up to the pulpit of even older newspapers. Expecting encouragement, announces:

"I say, we get out of this 5m x 5m room and rent a good building for us fanfiction writers to... write fanfiction in!"

Silence.

She coughs. "Ahem. HELLO?"

…

There is a good reason why she had a gun up her sleeve during these sessions. She half-pulls it ou–

"Yeah!"

"Yay…!"

"A bigger room… we need it!"

"With a toilet!" J.H. squirms.

"Yah, like srsly. A bigger room would be teh best. Buy one – kaythanks!" San-San cheers with her funky chat accent. Accentuating the air, it uplifts a newfound determination.

Nicole purses her lips cheekily. She lifts her fingers from her keyboard and rubs her hands. "Yessss! A room GREAT ENOUGH TO HOLD WEAPONS… OR _WEAPON_… OF MASS DISTRACTION!"

"Yeah!" Taylor shrieks, peeking over at couch victim. She twirls her brown hair in thought. "And… and, as long as the weapons don't take too much room because we can't write in this heat!"

There were groans blurting from everyone's mouths. An also Inuyasha fan shouts in the dim "yeah, it shows in our writing… a _99 rise_ in slashes and Elricest".

Sarah overhears and shouts. "Hey! They're good!" Had landed in a bundle on the empty couch, rubbing a new formed bruise, she sits herself up. Her hand suddenly slips between the couch's dirt hard cushions. "Huhh?" She touches a writing utensil and her thumb rubs over a cold bunny-shaped head. Clicking, slowly she lifts the mechanical pencil. And a malicious grin appears on her knowing face.

"Alright. _Alright!_" Selina grins excitedly, returning to the pulpit but admirably slipping. She waves the page 7586. "ARGH! STUFF THE PULPIT! SOMEONE READ IT! IT'S ONLY COSTS $1!" She shrieks and the whole fanfiction club rushes towards her. Rachel almost faints. "Oh my gosh! It's true! It's true!"

Except for two. Sarah paces towards a wise.

"Yo 'Me and My God Complex'," using her pen name. She nods so Sarah comes close and whispers in her hear. They stare at each other disbelievingly then believes. With evil cackles, they share a secret.

"Only. You and me!" They nod as they wave and play with found pink mech-pen. The bunny frowns at their delight.

"Hey! You two! Be excited… we've found a really good place!" A thirteen-year-old bounds towards them bringing an unintentional rip of newspaper.

"But 'PurpleStripes'," Sarah was getting good at this 'use their pen names to seduce them' thing, "it's so cheap! Where is it?"

"I'mcontrollingthisworld Street, Western Lala-land, the suburb of This-is-made-up."

Sarah squeals in excitement, which starts a deafening reaction. The boys of the club secretly joins in. Kimono struts away from the group, holding the advertisement, laughs in honour as she phones the sellers.

Idiots. Unbeknown to them, their new-rented base is next to the military offices.

_**If you like it enough.**_

_**I'm sure you do.**_

_**I shall write more chapters.**_

_**I do have evil plans.**_

_**You know, the beginning of the chapter was supposed to be:**_

_As you can see, this chapter is entitled 'belt'. No, little readers, dear Taisa wouldn't take it off that soon. (And the next thing you know he actually does.)_

_But instead, it's another person loosening his belt._

_Oh my, that sounds wrong._

It was too chatty so I cut it off. But for the humour it's just above.

Yes, I know I haven't included everyone. Not everyone is in the club. 8D


	4. Pants

_Okay. Thanks for your feedback. :)_

_Let's get straight into the fanfiction that I've procrastinated._

OoO

Roy isn't paying attention to the screen, but to Ed.

He takes off his intimidating hand and walks back to the couch. Sitting, he realises. "Fullmetal, you're not moving."

…

"_Ed_?"

…

Uuuh. Isn't this Taisa's fault? He creeps towards Fullmetal.

Waving around like Mary Poppins, Roy sings beautifully. "Hello? Hello? Hello? DOG OF THE MILITARY!" He dances around the boy like a village idiot burning up bits of dog meat and singing like Mary Poppins.

Edward's ears twitches.

"Woof? Woof?"

"What the hell? Fullmetal! Get a grip."

"Oh! Hi Roy." Edward alt-tabs fanfiction. "How are you? Let me answer that. Wow… you look tired. You should try out colon cleansing. Wanna go to a gay spa with me?"

…

Dear God! I think you can insert Roy's reaction here.

"Ed... are you alright?" He asks putting a hand on the other's forehead.

Edward shivers.

"G-gerroff yur hand offme…" He mumbles.

Roy shrugs and lifts his hand. "Whatevrrryur saahyyy." He mimicks very much like a drunken that just went for colon cleansing.

Edward pauses. "Did I really say 'colon cleansing'?"

Roy blushes and put a hand to his face. "Uh yeah," and adds to himself: "and something else too."

"I thought so. Wow, lucky you didn't agree. They shove a pipe up your ass."

Roy stumbles away and flops onto the couch. Edward is being so 'floofy'.

Edward peers around slowly. Good, the colonel's backed away. He sighs and flicks back to fanfiction. This stuff might be utterly disgusting, but it makes for really nice way to get around doing office work. He grins while investigating the 'Log in' page.

It turns out he's logged in as 'E. Elric if you're reading this you're a pervert'. Of course, she is probably a fan girl who never thought he would actually read it. Grimly thought.

Feeling half-dejected, he changes the pen name: 'E. Elric if you're reading this _I'm_ a pervert'. Yay.

Meanwhile, flame alchemist on the couch is doused. Literally, smoke's rising from his head.

"Fullmetal. I'm going out for a while. Fresh air."

Alright! Edward swings, spins, twirls like Angelina Ballerina on his chair playfully seeing Roy every so often. Stop. "WHAT? Like _that_?"

"Like what? Like what? Oooh… shirtless. Yeah, why not?" Roy shrugs full of pride. "No one would be out in Central during a public holiday. There's a good reason why on this certain date you're held back, honey. You just haven't thought of it yet." He skims a hand through his hair. Edward is so lucky Roy can't do muscle ripples like Armstrong.

Oh well, time to break it to the poor old Taisa here. "Err, no. You're pantless too."

Men.

Roy glares down at his boxers. It didn't seem stripping minded little alchemist here. "I told you I'd be stripping!" He frowns and stares at Fullmetal for a moment. Then walks away to fresh air. In only his underwear.

Edward snickers for a plan sprouts.

Deftly, he sneaks towards Roy's pants. Confident to hide it somewhere, he stuffs it down the toilet. Of course, it won't be complete until he pisses on it himself. That damn Mustang! He deserves revenge… A glint of pink pricks his eye. He pulls the item out. Huh?

"A mechanical pencil?" He bursts out laughing. "With a pink bunny on top and the sides raining with bunny heads and look… oh shit…" Edward reads something scrolled on the side and stuffs the writing utensil into his pocket. No way!

Forgetting to pee on Mustang's clothes, Edward runs back to the computer.

He snatches out the mechanical pencil. Oh my gosh…

Roy Mustang isn't so outdated after all. Edward gulps.

Scrawled on the pencil is the url to a website where Fanfiction feeds off… err, fanfiction.

Sincerely by us.

Even more shocking, parallel presents his name em_boss_ed 'R. Mustang' and that means…

Edward puts a sick forehead on the computer desk.

Roy writes fanfiction too.

_I feel off-and-on sick. Go me! Relax, relapse. Relax, relapse. Coma? Shit._

_Oh, well can't let the reader's down so I hope you liked it. :)_

_Review, please?_

_**If you like it enough.**_

_**I shall write more chapters.**_

**_Yes, you go do that._** okay

_**I do have evil plans.**_


	5. Shoes

**Edward Elric Discovers Fanfiction!**

_Glad I got at least 60 reviews. :O I mean, there is a decline in them every chapter but, man, it's going well. Thank you for reading and reviewing yeah. It really makes me feel happy. God bless you!_

OoO

Beads of liquid drool down Edward's forehead. This is really twisted.

Not only is the military he works for have a colonel ruin his real life, but he is also tribally attacking him in the fanfiction world! His mind shrieks as he pictures what their initiatives may be like in the animal world. Edward the sloth shall be missing three limbs devoured deliciously by Roy the lioness. Yes, lioness. Roy acts like a _giiirl_. And aren't lioness' the ones that do stuff like that? Huh! Ed is so pissed at Roy, he shall now call him _Barbie_.

He remembers the logged in user in the computer 'E. Elric if you're reading this you're a pervert', which now reads 'E. Elric if you're reading this I'm a pervert'. It's logged in into this computer…

Barbie's computer. Edward lips Barbie's username. That phrase… it is scolding, so mocking… so expectant, knowledgeable, intuitive, perceptive, stubborn, spontaneous, constant, taunting, laughing, flickering, flicking, joking, punching, ass-kissing, ass-kicking, narcissistic, malicious, evil, superior, towering, taller, superior, towering, overwhelming taller, superior, overwhelmingly tall, taller, taller, taller… um.

Oh gowhamma. He sinks down his chair. Roy knew he would find this out all along? Annoyed and irritated, Edward kicks off his shoes. He watches the sneakers skid a few metres away. They stop skidding at the toilet entrance, remind him of Roy's pants… and of course, Roy. What the hell? No way! In disbelief, he bends the chair.

"Shit!" Edward swears and knocks his office chair backwards with him toppling over. Of course friendly fate has someone standing there behind him.

Oh, and he had his pants on.

Thank God.

Al stares at Ed incredulously. "Brother, are you alright?"

Edward nods slightly but it morphs into a truthful shake. Al frowns and decides not to tell him he bought thirty-two cats just five minutes ago.

"Al… you know _Fanfiction_?"

"Ah, oh yes, brother… yes. Those crazy fan girls like to write them." Al nods and blushes.

Edward is yet to get use to a human brother, noticing the reddening of cheeks he gradually gets up. "Hmm… what's wrong?"

"N-nothing. I-I, just read one recently…"

"Ah. Anyway, guess what I've found." Ed unaware his brother had read Elricest, he shrugs off the topic and brings a new exploitation. "This pencil. I found it in _Roy's_ pant pocket."

Al doesn't ask what his big brother was doing with the colonel's pants. "Uh, yes… so?"

"And it's like… for a fanfiction club. So really –"

"–Taisa writes fanfiction!" Al gasps and wishes he was a suit of armour so he could body slam Roy like he used to do… uh, secretly when no one was watching.

"Yes! Exactly, oh by the way… his name is 'BARBIE' now. Haha, and guess what! This computer's username on fanfiction is 'E. Elric if you're reading this I'm a pervert'." Edward exclaims, snickering. "And guess whose computer is this?"

Al pauses. "Uuhmm… a _pervert's_ computer?"

Edward pauses. "Uh – _exactly_! And Barbie is our pervert!"

It sounds wrong, but well, it's the truth. Barbie and Roy are perverts.

"Brother," Al begins to feel gamed. "Wow… I wonder what Taisa writes."

Edward laughs. "That's exactly what we're going to find out!"

He immediately flips to the Internet Explorer mode. Fanfiction, of course. Al bends closer to screen, chin on Ed's shoulder smiling.

Skimming, checking… ahuha!

_shfhgj by E. Elric if you're reading this I'm a pervert_

_LIK plz rid an revew thiz ukie_

Click.

Edward smirks. 'Dear Barbie, me and Al – the Action Men – are going to kick your ass.'

_**If you like it enough.**_

_**I shall write more chapters.**_

_**I do have evil plans.**_

Like. Stuff. Review, please. -curtseys-


	6. Apartment

**Haha! I haven't updated in… HOW LONG?**

**So here is a long chapter.**

OoO

Edward looks at Al who grins at him.

Oh, wait… he's frowning.

No smiling.

Uuh, frowning. Smiling.

Frowning.

Smiling.FrowningSmilingfrowningsmilefrown. Then Ed gets really confused.

"Argh! Stop that!" He chucks a fit. Girlfriend style.

"_Stop what?!_" Al retorts defensively. Boyfriend style.

"Smiling and frowning every millisecond!"

"I am?"

"Yes you are!"

Unbeknown to Ed, Al is still quite nervous about the cats… wondering what in the world they were pissing on right now.

Edward doesn't notice one bit and glues his eyes on the screen.

_shfhgj by E. Elric if you're reading this I'm a pervert_

_LIK plz rid an revew thiz ukie_

Click.

_Fiction Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Romance - Reviews: 9 - Published: 06-28-06 - Updated: 08-03-06_

_uki u clik l1ink. thnku I will use prOp3r englesh nOw11 btw tru store!1q1 I wil oouze porp3r CpItLs221_

_--_

_Sumtimes it is bad to ask fulmetal to gu shoppin. I ask him 1 dey so he went. W2e went to k-mart and it was so hot – no, i was soooo hot - that I tuk off mah shirt becuz I alweyz like to strip in frunt of eD and d pooblic. Becuz they all go Ga-gA ROOYEYY!_

_ZO I WAS HAPPI WHEN 1 F4ng1irl stok on2 mah lreg n woldn't get off unless I gav her 5 milll $$ but that was OK cuz I took it out of fulmetals salary. So happi I cantorture my workers.then fulmetal went GAGA b ecuz the girel had puled mah panties off but I was happiee becoz everyone was luking t mi._

_So I continu welking and someone gav mi towel butt being sozoo kind I giv it bak. I m zo thogtful. U shuld c4ll me 064 7892 384. oki I mihgtt takee pants off 4 u._

_Fulmetal wez zo red he wen t n tuk mi to tne bathers section and ferst gav mi a bikini. I wez so flattored but I refused sahying 'oh I no imma sexy butr I aren't a transvestite.' N hnand it bak 2 him. He wez so shock. Sorry ed,_

_He so uffendedd he gav me a pauer of speedos. I lik speedos so I Wer it. I luk VERJy sexcay., ui possed in front of the kmart camera. Iprobablee make scuerity uncocisicioues._

_Becuz it luk zo gud on ME. Eeriowri I YEAH. I boghth 1 fer fulmeerjk. So wen he go2 beach evreuyone can have nose-bleedsasd and go gagA._

_I kno I wil._

_--_

_Oki I hop itgoodosiore._

_Next epsidoe:_

_one day ed went to beach to meet his friends, dree sheLlz_

…

That would almost be a no comment until Edward turns to Al, exclaiming:

"I can't believe it! I can't believe it! He wrote _that_!!" He pouts and crosses his arms. "He promised not to tell _anyone_…!!!" Then realises what he had just confessed. "Ohmigod." Edward gulps and hits Al's had, causing effective Amnesia so he would forget. Relieved, he leans back on his chair… not knowing he has just smashed Al's morality for confession timing.

"Ah… big brother, I have something _very_ important to tell you…" He begins.

Edward, loving his brother very much puts on a brave smile and leans in a little. "Yes?"

"Do you know that cats are very important creatures in society? They can hunt down a lot of little rodents and so we don't have to exterminate them ourselves with their very icky gut collapsing over our shoes -"

His brother cut in. "Yes…"

"Ah! Do you know that cats are important even in history? Yes? Yes? Very popular in Egypt, a symbol of not only power but femininity so–"

"Yes!"

"- and that they lick everything off the floors, even if they pee, you know. So it's okay, right umm mmhm…"

"Uuh… yes."

Al takes a deep breath.

"Ah, yesterday I went to the pet shop and saw this really cute cat and because it had the best golden eyes ever – just like you, I saw its mother, which had eyes exactly like Tai – auuh, Barbie – and so then I bought their whole family and took them home but… they have very messed up family and to complete a successful social cycle f cats, you also need to have their enemies in which a lot of other cats chased them and had lots of cat fights balancing te ecosystem of life – life and death – and they were scratching and biting so I bought them all and in the end I have thirty-five cats in a single 20 cm by 20 cm box. You know, that box where you got that computer on."

Ed didn't move. Oh, except his tongue dribbling some sort of pre-death liquid.

"Ah… yes, about them… I put them in your apartment."

"Pardon?"

"I put them in your apartment."

"Pardon?"

"I put them in your apartment."

"Pardon?"

"I put them in your apartment."

"Pardon?"

Al sighs and shouts. "I PUT THEM IN YOUR APARTMENT SO THEY CAN EAT, PEE AND SCRATCH EVERYTHING THERE. Oops."

Al's face reddens and he runs out of the room, colliding into Barbie who had been wandering pantless in search for his pants.

"Edwaaaaaaaard?" Barbie demands. "Where are my pants?!"

But Edward doesn't reply. He grabs his coat, drinks Barbie's coffee and heads out the door in pursue of Al. The same word repeating over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over in his head…

_My apartment._

Enraged that he was ignored, Barbie follows Ed outside headquarters.

_My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment. My apartment._

And quietly, because they hadn't locked the door or turned off Barbie's computer… two very slim shady characters entered the military's base. Both muttering to each other:

"What the hell are we doing in a Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction??!! WE LOVE HARRY POTTER. HARRY HARRY HARRY HARRRY HARRRYYY!!! HURRAAAY!!"

They see '_E. Elric if you're reading this I'm a pervert'_ and immediately, they're on a mission to sabotage the whole Fullmetal Alchemist fanbase system.

OMG.

_**CAN THE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST FANFICTION WRITER CLUB STOP THESE TWO HARRY POTTER FANFICTION WRITER CLUB MEMERS IN TIME… WHILE BARBIE RUNS PANTLESS ACROSS CENTRAL FOLLOWING ED TO HIS APARTMENT??**_

"Oh, Ed's apartment, eh?" Sarah raises her eyebrow, pointing her binoculars to the boy's direction instead of the Harry People.

Pichi Wo smacks her head. "CONCENTRATE!!"

OoO

**You probably don't care if I have evil plans, right?**

**If people don't like this. **

**I won't update. Simple.**


End file.
